Learning to trust what I want

I’ve always enjoyed writing. As a child I wrote poetry to express my feelings. Later, I experimented with essays, humor, and fiction. I enjoyed writing, but I didn’t think it was very exciting. It was a skill I used to help me think and to express myself, but I was nervous about sharing my writing. Publishing was hard and I wasn’t comfortable with promoting myself, so I always let go of thinking about writing as a potential career.

I have wanted to work as an independent creative person for most of my life. The trouble was, I hadn’t perfected any creative skills that I could readily use to make money. When I moved here, to Vermont, a new friend taught me to quilt. I eventually opened an Etsy shop and tried to create a quilting business.

For five years, I worked at developing my part-time quilting business. I learned a lot in those five years and I don’t regret a moment of it, but ultimately, the quilting business was not for me. I just didn’t like sewing enough.

By the time I shut down the quilting business, I was looking around for another creative endeavor. Writing was there as it had always been there. I didn’t know how or if I could make a living with it, but I decided that I wanted to try.

At this point, I had spent a couple of years learning about law of attraction and related ideas. Reasoning out the path to accomplishing a goal had not worked for me in the past. Instead, I visualized the general end point I wanted to reach and I wrote about it.

I started writing a journal about my happy future life as a full-time writer. That’s where the idea for this blog came from. Every time I would write about my happy future life as a writer, I got a strong urge to create a blog about my experience with the law of attraction.

In September of 2015, I started the blog. I developed lots of grand plans for the blog. I planned to post regularly and guest post on other blogs and create ebooks, all while building a thriving, supportive community.

By the first anniversary of the creation of the blog, I was losing enthusiasm. I had published almost every month, but certainly not as often as I had intended. I had a few regular readers, but I wasn’t getting more. I was making steady progress in setting up my life to better accommodate writing, but it was slow going. I was finding the whole process to be harder than I thought.

By spring, my motivation was almost gone and I stopped writing blog posts for a month or so. I was in a new writing group then and I considered focusing on other forms of writing. I wrote some humor and some essays.

After a month of not writing for the blog, I found I missed it. I missed thinking about the principles that were helping me in my life. I found I was forgetting the things that improved my life: focusing on feeling good, gratitude, being open to positive outcomes. When I wasn’t writing about these things, I forgot them.

I have three friends who read my blog posts regularly. I missed my conversations with them about the my blog posts. I missed the sense of purpose I felt when I was publishing my blog posts and sending them out to subscribers and social media followers.

By May, I was back to writing for the blog and feeling renewed enthusiasm for it. I’ve learned that the thing I love most about writing is the creativity of it. When I write, my brain swirls with new ideas. I want to live in that world of creativity and new ideas.

I’d still like to make a career of writing, but I find that I don’t accomplish things by reasoning out how to accomplish them. I don’t have enough information to intellectually plot the best paths to my goals. I get to where I want to go by enjoying my life now. I get there by having fun and listening to my intuition for the next right step.

For now, I’ll continue to enjoy the creativity of writing. I’ll continue to remind myself of what works in my life and I’ll share that with others who are interested. It’s fun. For now, that’s enough.